Her parents are refusing to have an Islamic celebration; what should she do?

What is the ruling on an Islamic celebration if the parents do not agree? Do I have the right to object to them or should I agree to what they say and give it up?.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

What is meant by an Islamic celebration is a party that is held in accordance with Islamic guidelines, so that it is free of the evils of mixing and women showing their adornments in front of men, and using music and immoral singing, and other things that Allaah has forbidden. These haraam things, unfortunately, are widespread in many Muslim celebrations nowadays, except for those on whom Allaah has mercy. What is prescribed with regard to wedding parties is to bring joy and happiness to both bride and groom and their families and those who come to congratulate them in ways that do not incur the wrath of Allaah, such as using the duff (a kind of hand drum) among women, and their singing for one another using words that carry beneficial meanings and are free of sin. Al-Bukhaari (5163) narrated from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) that she presented a woman as a bride to an Ansaari man, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her: “O ‘Aa’ishah, did not have any entertainment? For the Ansaar are fond of entertainment.” 

Ibn Majaah (1900) narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: ‘Aa’ishah arranged a marriage for a female relative of hers among the Ansaar, and the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came and said, “Have you taken the girl [to her husband’s house]?” They said, Yes. He said, “Have you sent someone with her to sing?” She said, No. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “The Ansaar are people with romantic feelings. Why don’t you send someone with her to say, ‘We have come to you, we have come to you, may Allaah bless you and us’?” This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1995). 

Al-Nasaa’i (3369) and Ibn Majaah (1896) narrated that Muhammad ibn Haatib said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “What differentiates between haraam and halaal is (beating) the daff and raising the voices (in song) at the time of marriage.” Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

Wedding parties in Islam are parties which combine bringing of joy and happiness to those present with modesty, dignity and avoidance of haraam things. 

Women should celebrate the wedding separately from men, and do what is appropriate to them to bring happiness to the wife and the people around her, such as providing entertainment, telling jokes and singing to the accompaniment of the duff, and eating and drinking, and doing other things that may vary according to customs and traditions, so long as it is within the circle of permissibility. 

The same applies to the men; they should gather in a separate place and exchange congratulations, and pray for blessing for the couple. It is Sunnah for the husband to offer food to be eaten by those present, without any extravagance. 

The aim behind wedding parties is to announce the marriage and to make it distinct from haraam relationships, and to bring happiness to the couple, their families and friends, whilst attaining true submission to Allaah in all of that. 

Secondly: 

If the parents refuse to adhere to shar’i rulings in the wedding party and they insist on including some evils, such as allowing mixing or wanton display (tabarruj), or bringing a female singer or dancer to perform in front of men, then you have to advise them, and explain the shar’i ruling on such evils, and remind them that marriage is a blessing from Allaah for which they should give thanks, and gratitude is to be shown by obedience, not disobedience, and the marriage that begins with sin is unlikely to be blessed. If they respond, then praise be to Allaah, but if they persist in their view, then keep away from the place of evil [?] and announce your dislike and disavowal of it. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And it has already been revealed to you in the Book (this Qur’aan) that when you hear the Verses of Allaah being denied and mocked at, then sit not with them, until they engage in a talk other than that; (but if you stayed with them) certainly in that case you would be like them. Surely, Allaah will collect the hypocrites and disbelievers all together in Hell”

[al-Nisa’ 4:140] 

al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: This indicates that it is obligatory to avoid people who commit sin if they do any evil action openly, because the one who does not avoid them is approving of their action. Allaah says “certainly in that case you would be like them”, so everyone who sits in a gathering where sin is committed and does not denounce it will share an equal burden of sin with them. 

He should denounce them if they speak of sin or do it; if he is not able to denounce them then he should leave them so that he will not be one of the people mentioned in this verse. End quote. 

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever among you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand (by taking action); if he cannot, then with his tongue (by speaking out); and if he cannot, then with his heart (by hating it and feeling it is wrong), and that is the weakest of faith.” Narrated by Muslim (49).  

For more information please see the answers to questions no. 11446 and 7577. 

You do not have to agree to the evil, or give up your stance of adhering to the rulings of sharee’ah in weddings and otherwise, in order to be among the victors who are blessed in this world and in the Hereafter.  

We ask Allaah to guide you. 

And Allaah knows best.

Shar’i implications of husband’s zina with his wife’s mother before and after marriage

There is a woman who is married, and her husband committed zina several times with her mother, but this wife does not know. What should she do with her mother and her husband? She is confused about her situation.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

It is not permissible for anyone to claim that someone else has committed zina unless that is proven in the way dictated by sharee’ah, such as a confession of the zaani, or the testimony of four men of good character who witnessed the act of zina. The one who claims that someone committed zina with no proof has committed slander, which is a major sin for which a person deserves eighty lashes; this is the hadd punishment for slander. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

 “And those who accuse chaste women, and produce not four witnesses, flog them with eighty stripes, and reject their testimony forever. They indeed are the Faasiqoon (liars, rebellious, disobedient to Allaah).

5. Except those who repent thereafter and do righteous deeds; (for such) verily, Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful”

[al-Noor 24:4-5] 

Secondly: 

If the questioner has proof of what is mentioned in the question, that the husband committed the sin of zina with his wife’s mother, then it should be noted that they both deserve the punishment and wrath of Allaah, and they deserve to be punished in this world. As the woman is married, she deserves to be stoned to death. If he was married then he deserves the same, and if he committed zina before he was married, then the punishment is one hundred lashes. 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“The fornicatress and the fornicator, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allaah, if you believe in Allaah and the Last Day. And let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”

[al-Noor 24:2] 

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: A Muslim man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he was in the mosque and called out to him, saying: O Messenger of Allaah, I have committed zina. He turned away from him, so he came around to face him and said to him: O Messenger of Allaah, I have committed zina. He turned away from him, until he had repeated that four times. When he had testified against himself four times, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) called him and said: “Are you insane?” He said: No. He said: “Are you married?” He said: Yes. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Take him and stone him.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6439) and Muslim (1691). 

“Married” refers to one who has previously been married and consummated the marriage, even if divorce took place after that or the husband or wife died. 

Imam Ahmad said – according to one report narrated from him – concerning the one who does that: He is to be executed whatever the case, i.e., the one who commits zina with one of his mahrams is to be executed, whether he was married or not, and whether the mahram was a mahram through blood ties, marriage or breastfeeding. 

Ibn Qudaamah said: This is also the view of Jaabir ibn Zayd, Ishaaq, Abu Ayyoob and Ibn Abi Khaythamah. End quote. Al-Mughni (12/341). 

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If the evil deed was done with a mahram, this is the worst of evil deeds, and the one who did that is to be executed in all cases, according to Imam Ahmad and others. 

Rawdat al-Muhibbeen p. 374. 

Does the fact that he committed zina with her mother mean that it is haraam for him to marry her daughter, or that the marriage should be annulled? There is a difference of opinion among the scholars concerning that. The most correct view is that it does not make the marriage haraam and the marriage should not be annulled. 

The ruling on this matter has been stated and explained in detail in the answer to question no. 78597. 

Thirdly: 

What the wife must do now is: 

1.     Not act or make any decision about this matter unless she has definitive proof.

2.     Advise her mother – if the accusation of zina is proven – that it is essential to repent sincerely.

3.     Advise her husband to repent sincerely if he committed zina with her mother after she got married. It is essential to keep him away from her mother in living arrangements and meetings so that this deed will not be repeated. If he does not repent from this action then she should hasten to get divorced, and it is not permissible for her to stay with him, because Allaah has forbidden marriage of a zaani to a chaste believing woman. 

We understand what a severe calamity has befallen this sister. How great is a woman’s grief, and difficult it is for her to bear it if her husband commits zina, and it is a thousand and one times more difficult to bear it when her mother commits zina, so how about if it is her husband who is committing zina with her mother? This is indeed a calamity! 

We ask Allaah to relieve her distress and take away her sorrow, and to bless her with patience and wisdom. 

But before making any major decision, we advise her to think long and hard about the consequences. 

If she decides to leave her husband, then in that case can she live in the same house as her mother, who is the one who did that and wrecked her marriage? 

We think, if she has no suitable place to go and no mahram who can take care of her, that staying with her husband and advising him to repent and mend his ways is easier for her than getting divorced and living in her mother’s house. 

This sister should weigh up the consequences of her decision. Some evils are easier to bear than others. 

And Allaah knows best.

Taking out a loan in order to get married

Praise be to Allaah.

There is nothing wrong with taking out a loan in order to get married to keep oneself chaste, if he is able to pay it off. It is hoped that if a person does that, Allaah will help him. Al-Tirmidhi (1655), al-Nasaa’i (3120) and Ibn Maajah (2518) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There are three who are all entitled to Allaah’s help: the one who fights for the sake of Allaah; the mukaatab who wants to pay (the price of his freedom); and the one who gets married seeking chastity.” This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi. 

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever takes people’s wealth intending to pay it back, Allaah will enable him to pay it back, and whoever takes it intending to destroy it, Allaah will destroy him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2387).  

But if he is not able to pay it back, then it is makrooh for him to take a loan, whether that is for marriage or for anything else, because the responsibility of debt is so great that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said that the martyr will be forgiven for everything except debt. Narrated by Muslim (1886). 

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allaah enriches them of His Bounty”

[al-Noor 24:33] 

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded those who could not afford to get married to fast, as was narrated by al-Bukhaari (1905) and Muslim (1400). He did not tell them to take out loans. 

May Allaah help us and you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him. 

And Allaah knows best.

Her husband cannot produce children and he is addicted to haraam things

I have been married for 8 months and after getting married I found out that my husband cannot have children and he is often sick due to varicose veins in the calves. Of course this affects him with regard to intimacy with me, but he tries to put the blame on me all the time. He rebukes me and blames me for his shortcoming, although I am not like that, praise be to Allaah the Lord of the Worlds. 
The point is that my problem is great indeed. About a month ago I found out that he commits sin (zina) in the chat rooms, and it is even worse than that, since I found out that he is like the people of Loot (i.e., homosexual). What should I do? Please note that whenever I speak about any subjects he says that I am wrong, he is the only one who is right, and my words and thinking are wrong. I hope that you will answer me. What should I do?.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: 

If the husband is sterile and cannot have children then it is the woman’s right to demand an annulment of the marriage, because of this defect in the husband, as she has the right to have a child, and in fact that is one of the greatest aims of marriage. If it is not possible to have the marriage annulled then she may ask for a divorce and in that case he has to divorce her and give her her rights in full, like the delayed portion of the dowry, etc. 

Secondly: 

This husband’s rights over you are that you should advise him sincerely first of all. In the answer to question no. 7669 you will find information on how to advise him. 

Thirdly: 

If he does not respond to the advice, and he persists in the haraam things that he is doing, then there is nothing good for you in remaining with this husband, because he is not giving you your rights, and because he does this evil deed. 

Now you are at the beginning of your marriage, and it is fortunate that you do not have a child from him. So hasten to seek a divorce, and if he refuses, then separate from him by means of khula’. May Allaah compensate you with someone better than him, and bless you with a righteous husband and righteous offspring who will bring you joy. 

And Allaah knows best.

Is it sufficient to tell his fiancée of a fault or must he tell her family too?

I am 25 years old and my sperm count is low; it is between 1-5% lower than the norm. 
The doctors think that it would be difficult for my wife to get pregnant as a result, and it may be possible to use artificial means but the chances of success are also low. 
Now I want to propose marriage to a girl, and I have told her frankly about everything, and she has agreed and says that everything is in the hands of Allaah. 
My question is: It is essential to tell her family about this matter or not?.

Praise be to Allaah.

If the girl has agreed to get married, even though she knows about what you have mentioned about the lack of fertility and the possibility of not having children, and she is an adult of sound mind, then this is sufficient and it does not depend on her guardian knowing about it, because the right is hers. 

The fuqaha’ have stated that if the husband or wife comes to know of a fault that may be grounds for annulment of the marriage, at the time of the marriage contract or afterwards, and accepts it, then the right to annul the marriage is waived. 

Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him)said: One of the conditions of this right to choose in the event of such faults being present is that he should not have known of them at the time the marriage contract was done and he should not have accepted them afterwards. If he knew of them at the time when the marriage contract was done or came to know of them afterwards and accepted them, then he does not have the option (of annulling the marriage). We do not know of any difference concerning that. End quote from al-Mughni (7/142). 

In al-Mudawwanah (2/144) it says: I said: What do you think if she marries a man whose penis is cut off or who is a eunuch and she is aware of that? He said: She does not have the option (of annulling the marriage). Maalik said likewise.  He said: Maalik said: If she marries a eunuch and she did not know about that, she has the option (of annulling) when she finds out. The view of Maalik is that if she knew (beforehand) then she does not have that option. End quote. 

It says in Kashshaaf al-Qinaa’ (5/111): If one of the spouses who has no fault knows of a fault in the other at the time of the marriage contract, he or she does not have the option (of annulling the marriage), or if he or she came to know of the fault after the marriage contract but accepted it, he or she does not have the option (of annulling the marriage). It says in al-Mubdi’: And there is no difference of opinion that we know of. End quote. 

Al-Sarkhasi al-Hanafi said: If she marries one of these [i.e., a man whose penis has been cut off, or a eunuch or an impotent man] and she knows his situation, then she does not have the option (of annulling the marriage), because she approved of it when she went ahead with the marriage contract although she knew his situation. And if she accepted it after the marriage contract by saying, I accept it, then the option is waived in her case. End quote from al-Mabsoot (5/104). 

See also: al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fihqyyah (29/69). 

It is well known that low fertility is far less serious than these faults that have been mentioned by the scholars. 

The apparent meaning of the scholars’ words in this matter is that it is sufficient for the woman to know of the fault, and it is not essential to tell her family.  

The issue of having children is not something that you should worry about. How many men have been told what you were told, then Allaah blessed them with offspring. The matter is up to Him, may He be glorified, and bounty is in His hand. You should apply whatever measures you can by seeking medical treatment, and ask Allaah of His bounty. 

We should also point out that the fiancée is a stranger (non-mahram) to her fiancé and it is not permissible for him to be alone with her or to touch her, so any discussion about the marriage should be with her wali (guardian). 

And Allaah knows best.

Husband’s parents preventing the wife from visiting her own family

Do the inlaws have the right to not send their daughter-in-law to her parents so that she can spend her time with her parents & all & can relax for some time in her parent's home.

Praise be to Allaah.  

What the wife is obliged to do is to obey her husband; he is the one whom she is obliged to obey. If the husband agrees that she may visit her family, it does not matter if his parents do not approve. 

But a woman should strive to please her husband’s parents and treat them in a manner that is better, and not confront them. This will have a great effect on giving stability to her life with her husband. 

You should understand that your husband’s parents may make things difficult for you because they think that you have taken away the one who is most dear to them. So you should handle this matter wisely and not be the cause of arguments or division between your husband and his parents. Rather you should try to help your husband obey and honour his parents, and you will find the effects of that, in sha Allah, in your own children [i.e., they will honour you in turn]. 

You have to treat them kindly, because kindness is never to be found in a thing but it beautifies it, and it is never lacking in a thing but it makes it ugly. If you see that they are treating you badly, then remember the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend”

[Fussilat 41:34] 

For more information see al-Mughni, 7/225 

And Allaah knows best.

Her husband is not satisfying her sexual desire

I know that I am supposed to go to him when he calls me to his room, even if I'm not in the apropriate mood. I also know that lying is a despicable thing, but pleasing my husband is utmost on my mind. So is it wrong of me to fake having a sexual climax with my husband? This is a terrible problem for me, because I don't want to lie, but it embarasses my husband if he cannot fulfill my pleasure. This pretending is hard to stop, and also extremely embarassing for me to admit to my husband. Please help me, and also remember me in your du'ahs.

Praise be to Allaah.  

We ask Allaah to reward you with good for your patience and for fulfilling your husband’s desires in obedience to the command of your Lord. 

The solution to the problem you mention is by speaking frankly. That does not mean embarrassing your husband or accusing him of being inconsiderate. This problem often stems from the fact that the husband is not aware that there is a problem at all, not from the fact that he is inconsiderate. The husband may go ahead and have intercourse and not pay attention to some things that he should be doing, one of which is fulfilling his wife’s needs. Perhaps you could benefit by reading some books on the topic which explain the basis of the relationship and intimacy between a man and a woman such as Tuhfat al-‘Aroos by Mahmood Mahdi Istanbuli. 

The point is that there is nothing wrong with speaking to your husband about this matter, and suggesting that he read about it. Speaking frankly is preferable to suffering in this manner, and the problem can be solved easily. 

This does not excuse the woman from sharing some of the responsibility. She also has things that she must do, such as adorning herself for her husband, being loving towards him and encouraging him to be intimate with her.  

We ask Allaah to set the Muslims’ affairs straight. 

And Allaah knows best.