My problem in brief is that I knew a man through a forum then messenger then mobile. My husband found out about this relationship and was very angry. He said to me: “You would be divorced if we do not have children, but I will be patient and will marry another woman.”
I knew my mistake and I have repented and started over new page. I seek Allah’s forgiveness and thank Him all the time. But my husband keeps insulting me all the time until I hated him, but I have to be patient, I tried to love him and obey him in matters I was not obeying him about before. I am tired of his demands but I do not say any word objecting to this. He keeps insulting and slandering me, he does not stop reminding me of the previous relationship with the other man. Few months later, that man started calling me and sending text messages again. I feared my husband’s reaction; as he asks me to answer in front of him if any strange number rings. If I refuse he says to me: “answer, it may be that man” and if I answer and find it wrong number he says: “It must be a code between you”.
What shall I do? I became in constant fear of my mobile, I hide it all the time, and I fear it rings while my husband is around; because he would doubt me.
What shall I do with that man? I am bored of my life, I wish I die. All I can do is recite Quraan.
Desire continues to grow in the heart of the son of Adam until it destroys him, and no one is deprived of contentment but he will find himself lost in the valleys of confusion and depression, turning right and left in the hope of finding that which he wishes and longs for to give him satisfaction, but nothing will fill the heart of the son of Adam but dust, and Allaah accepts the repentance of those who repent.
The worst of desire is that which leads to transgression against the sanctity and honour of others, such as desire for the wives of other Muslims which leads to transgression against their honour, or when women desire young Muslim men and a woman is not content with the husband with whom Allaah has blessed her. The Muslims all know that pleasure cannot be attained by disobeying Allaah, may He be exalted, and that happiness can only be attained by obeying and heeding the sacred limits of Allaah.
Sin was the cause that led to the downfall of previous nations. Do you think that it can be the cause of a person’s happiness? Sin is also the path that leads to punishment, so do you want it to being blessings?
Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much”
It may be easy to fall into error, because the nafs is inclined towards sin in pursuit of pleasure and whims and desires. But it is difficult to bear the consequences and effects of those mistakes.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Patience in resisting desires is easier than patience in dealing with the consequences that result from going along with desires, because it either leads to pain and punishment or it prevents a more complete pleasure, or it wastes time and leads to loss and regret, or it is a violation of honour which one is better off not violating, or it is a loss of wealth, keeping which is better than losing it, or it leads to a loss of status and position, keeping which is better than losing it, or it deprives one of a blessing, having which is more pleasurable and better than fulfilling desires, or it gives an ignoble person cause to insult you when he did not have this opportunity before, or it brings distress, sadness and fear that cannot be matched by the pleasure of desire, or causes one to forget knowledge, remembering which is better than fulfilling desires, or it makes an enemy rejoice and makes a friend sad, or it cuts off an oncoming blessing, or it has a negative impact on one’s character that will remain, because deeds have a great impact on one’s character and behaviour. End quote.
Al-Fawaa’id (p. 139)
And now the problem that you are facing today is no more than the result of your accumulated mistakes and the sins that you took lightly, then you did not repent properly from them.
As for your talking to that young man, it is one of the worst things that could be done by a woman whom Allaah has blessed with a husband, home and children. It is sufficient for her to look at the misery endured by many others who are deprived of happy homes and a life of ease.
Your husband has taken care of rebuking and blaming you. He tells you every day words that would make mountains tremble – as you describe it. The point here is that you should understand in the depths of your heart the seriousness of the error you have made.
As for what you say about your not fulfilling his desires and needs before that, this is another sin which has had a big impact in changing the situation of your family and bringing about this pain and suffering.
Did you not know that obedience to the husband is obligatory and that serving him and responding to his call and fulfilling his needs is one of the best things that a wife can do, both before Allaah and before other people? It was narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, this daughter of mine refuses to get married. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her: “Obey your father.” She said: By the One Who sent you with the truth, I will not get married until you tell me what the husband’s rights over his wife are. He said: “The husband’s rights over his wife are such that if he had an ulcer and she licked it, she would not have fulfilled his rights.” Narrated by al-Nasaa’i in al-Sunan al-Kubra (2/283). Al-Mundhiri said in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (3/98): Its isnaad is jayyid. It was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ (3148).
We will tell you frankly: The remedy begins with this idea:
It starts with obeying and pleasing Allaah, may He be glorified, because calamities start with disobedience towards Him. Allaah has promised the penitent that He will turn his bad deeds into good ones, and He has promised to bestow grace and reward.
Repentance starts by resolving to give up the sin that one has committed, and to cut off all haraam ties. In your case it starts with cancelling the mobile phone altogether, and not going back to it until your husband agrees to buy you a new number. If you do this then you will have proven to your husband and to yourself that you are sincere in your repentance and your desire to mend your ways.
How can you want your husband to overlook the past when you yourself have not overlooked it and are going back to it?!
Your husband has done you a great favour by giving you another chance to live with him. Perhaps the real reason for that is that he loves you, otherwise the logical sequence of events would have been for this story to lead to scandal, separation and divorce. But Allaah has blessed you and been kind to you, by concealing you and giving you a house and a family, so you must show kindness to your husband in return, and observe the limits of Allaah concerning him, and cut off all ties and all means of getting back in touch with this man who has transgressed against you. But what you did was to repeat the mistake and persist in sin and take the matter of repentance lightly.
Do you expect that after that you will helped to change for the better?
How can you allow yourself to listen again to the voice of that young man and receive messages from him again? How can you go back to burdening your husband with the stress of waswaas that affects every man who sees something suspicious on his wife’s part? How can you expect him to trust you again when you have not shown yourself to be trustworthy? We affirm to you that continuing in this manner will lead to a greater loss than that which you are facing now. Think about your situation if your husband tells your family about what you are doing. Undoubtedly the stress you will face will be worse than what you are facing now. We urge you to mend your ways as it is essential. You have already made a good start, but you have a long way to go. We advise you to fear Allaah and be keen to take care of your house, husband and family. Do not pay attention to anything but seeking the pleasure of Allaah; let that be your concern. Be steadfast and do not despair. Keep trying and do not stop treating your husband kindly and obeying him in that which is good and proper. Do not be put off by your husband’s bad treatment. If you are sincere towards Allaah in adhering to His laws, He will set things straight for you with your husband, even if it is after a while; He will restore the happiness you seek and will ward off all temptation and misery from you. What does anyone want in life but a quiet life in good health as a true slave of Allaah? If Allaah blessed a person with any of that, let him strive to protect the blessing by giving thanks for it and fearing Allaah with regard to it. Contentment is a treasure that never fades away.
We ask Allaah for guidance, help and happiness.
And Allaah knows best.